All I Want Is To Have Harrold Back!!!

Disclaimer: I have a cold, have only warm OJ in the house, am on about 57 (only a slight exaggeration) different medications, and am very, very grumpy. Just a warning about the tone of this post.

Yes, that title is a vague reference to Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. And yes, I WOULD give my last case of Wonka bars as ransom. What is being held for ransom you ask? No, not Harrold, but our yard. Let me explain....

Last year at this time we had new neighbors move in right next door. All right. Not so bad. They are an interesting couple, along with their 2 small children. A boy who is now almost 4, and a little girl who is now 1 1/2. Not so bad so far, right? Hang on to your britches, or whatever else you happen to be wearing.

We begin a relationship with said neighbors, and the kids begin a friendship with said children. This is where wackiness and problems ensue. You see, their now almost 4 year old is named, ironically, Ivan. I say ironically because he is just like Ivan the Terrible. Only our neighbor Ivan is not Russian. Other than that, they are just the same. They even look alike.

Our neighbor Ivan is an almost 4 year old trapped in the body of an 18 year old linebacker. He weighs about as much as I do. And he can push that weight around, boy howdy. The kid is a real bruiser. He has slapped Abigail in the face so hard it left a welt, all because she was walking him home to make sure he got there okay. He punches Harrison as often as he can. But poor Leah tends to get the brunt of him. He has pushed her off her bed (which is almost as high as the top bunk of a bunk bed). He has pinched her cheek (not scratched, not clawed, but pinched) so hard it bled. He has taught her very colorful language. Right after Thanksgiving he dumped a bucket of ice melt over her head. That was it for me.

Every time something happened, he was sent home. Or we took him home and confronted his mother. When these confrontations would take place, she would say "Ivan, did you hit/pinch/punch/assault and/or battery these kids?" To which his answer would ALWAYS be "Nope". She wouldn't believe him, but still a punishment was never carried through with. The entire winter was spent indoors or away from home. No just hanging out at home. It was too risky.

But now, it is summer. And around he comes again. He doesn't come to the door to play. He just waits until my guys are out in the front yard, and then attacks. The strict rule for my Oompa Loompas is that they always have to be nice and polite to him; not saying mean things or running away. But, if he hurts any one of them, they are to come in and not play with him anymore.

It was just a matter of time (minutes, really) that this scenario was put into action. Leah and Harrison were out riding their scooters for all of 48 seconds, when Harrison came in and told me that Ivan had put Leah in a headlock, and thrown her to the ground. In they come, and I tell Ivan to go home and tell his mom what had happened. After he does this (with lots and lots of forceful "encouragement") she then proceeds to send Ivan over to apologize to Leah. Harrison answers the door with Leah and, after Ivan apologizes, he tells Ivan that they are not going to play with him today because Ivan hurt his sister.

Apparently, this was not the thing to do.

I immediately receive a phone call from Ivan's mom telling me that Harrison was saying hurtful, damaging things and that Ivan was crying and can't my kids be nice and Ivan is just a little boy and I am raising wimps and we should just let them play and on and on and on!?! WHAT?!?! And then the kicker; "If your kids don't stop saying that Ivan is mean" she said "then I will start being mean to your kids". Needless to say, we are avoiding Ivan at all costs again.

So, you ask, can't you just keep the kids in the backyard and have them play there Ivan free? Don't I wish it were that easy. There are 2 main factors for making this solution unsolutionable.

1- They have a big deck which overlooks all of our neighborhood, but mainly our backyard. Ivan will stand on this throne of his and yell and yell and yell and yell at the kids to come and play with him, or to stop playing whatever they are playing and come talk to him, or yell at any other playmates that happen to be playing that they need to go home so that my kids can play with him, etc. And he stalks that porch as well as he stalks his front porch. Waiting, always waiting, for the kids to come out.

2- They have, against our city's code might I add, 3 dogs. 2 enormous dogs that have that really deep bark; and 1 little black dog with the classic yappy yap that is akin to nails on chalkboards, and makes you want to remove your eardrums yourself with a melon baller. These dogs have obviously been trained by Ivan himself as they begin to bark if we even whisper to the kids "why don't you go outside and play".

So, when the kids go into the backyard the only game they can play is either "Let's See How Loud the Dogs Will Bark", or "We Have To Stay On the Side of the House to Play in Secret", aka "The Avoiding Ivan Game".

If anybody has any ideas as to how to handle unruly, bully, crazy neighbors, let me know. Or if you have a case of Wonka bars you'd be willing to donate......