School started today for us. School is stupid. I hate school. No, really. I HATE school and I think it is really, really STUPID.
Especially this year. This year has been a kicker for me. Harrison is now in first grade, which means all. day. long. Morning at school, lunch at school, and not being done with school until late afternoon.
It's been hard with both kids. But now as I come home with only 2 of the 4 chickies I woke up with, my sadness increases exponentially. When dropping them off at preschool, I cried in the car. When leaving them at kindergarten, I shed more than a few tears in the hallway. And now, as the daily population at home has been mercilessly cut in half (a little dramatic, I know), I quietly sob the whole walk home.
I miss them like crazy. Every single moment they are gone.
Abigail starts to feel nervous the night before the first day, and even more so the night before the second day. By the time she falls asleep though, she is feeling better. She approaches her new class with just a little trepidation, but once we get inside the school she's good and doesn't need me to accompany her into the classroom anymore. Harrison puts on a brave and excited face during the whole getting ready process, but at the very last minute feels the panic. While we were waiting in line today to go into class he turned to me and said "can't you come in with me, mom? I just want you to come with me. " To which I replied "I can't this time, buddy. But you are going to do just great". Ugh. My heart shattered right there on the sidewalk in front of the first grade door. I took off my glasses and did the old pretend to rub my face/really wiping tears trick that never fools anyone.
And this is when the questions and worries start to plague me. Have I done enough for them while they were in my constant daily care? Did I pack their days with enough fun, love, and good memories to sustain them while they are gone? Did I take enough advantage of the time when they were little and I had them all to myself? Have I taught them enough about themselves and the gospel to keep them strong in the face of all these new challenges? You know, the ones that I can't be there to help them navigate. Is it ever really enough? Really?
There were a few of those moms there today that I just send the stink eye to. As soon as all these little tiny kids were inside, they threw their arms into the air and shouted for joy. Seriously. I don't get that at all. The day that all of my guys are in school all day will be so lonely. Sure, I will be able to get a bunch of stuff done during the day, but that's the stuff I really don't want to do anyway. The only really fun stuff involves people who are a whole lot shorter than me.
I know that I have to let them grow and do things on their own. It's good for them, and I know this. But just like immunizations and visits to the dentist, it hurts. I think me more than them. So, we just press on. It reminds me to cherish every moment I have with them, and to do more with the time I have. I have to do my best with what I've got and when I've got them. When they want a cold lunch I'll make sure to put in a note that reminds them of how smart, talented, and fun they are, and how much I can't wait to see them. Plus, I'll fill it with only one healthy thing and the rest just treats and things they really like. Today, Leah and I will read every single book that she has on her bookshelf, and I will rock Hudson until he falls asleep in my arms. And we will be so excited when Abigail and Harrison are done with school, and will probably run up to them as soon as we see a glimpse of their cute little faces at the school doors. I'm sure they'll both have something very exciting and new to tell us. We'll be all ears. I can't wait.
5 weeks, and 4 more days until they are off track, and counting.
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