Baby Steps

"Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside of your body" --Elizabeth Stone


There goes my heart. Again. Four in a row now. Off he goes. Isn't it wonderful? Exhilarating and heartbreaking all at the same time. I am smitten.

Good News Wednesday

Mom's update from Dr. Akerley and the wonderful Terry at the Huntsman:

Yesterday, in preparation for her 4th out of 6 chemo treatment today, mom had a CT to check the progress of said treatments.

THE RESULTS ARE IN..... AND THEY ARE GOOD!!!!! (How many exclamation points can you use to convey this level of excitement?)

Dr. Akerley said "the results are BETTER than we hoped for". All cancerous tumors in her lungs have decreased in size. All fluid on her heart has decreased. All fluid in her left lung has decreased. Decreased, decreased, decreased!!! Hooray for mom!!!

Party clothes - again. Pinata - very appropriate. Expressions of gratitude and thanks - every minute of every day.

Thanks to you all for your prayers and messages of love. They are working, and we are so grateful for you all.

M is for the Many Things She Gaaave Me

This mother's day we wanted to attend my mom's ward with her. This does require all of us to be ready for church about 45 minutes earlier, which we actually managed to do. It was a Mother's Day Miracle!!

I was so looking forward to sitting with her in church, listening to the talks that are meant to praise and uplift those of us who happen to be the women folk. Her ward was once my ward, as well. So, it is also nice to go and see familiar faces and be amazed at how kids who used to be in Young Women's are now wives and mothers.

Hudson, however, had other plans. You see, my mom's ward is more of a grown up ward. Even when the Primary sang, there were more teachers than kids. What this means is that you can actually hear a pin drop at all times during Sacrament Meeting. Someone happened to drop a pin at one point, and all heads turned to see who had dared disrupt the quiet. Really.

The ward that we belong to now has more kids than adults. What this means is that our ward sounds like an orphanage on fire. That is what we are used to. You couldn't hear an elephant parade in our ward. One happened to pass through during sacrament (although it may have just been a bunch of the 9 year old boys) and nobody thought anything of it.

I thought I was prepared for this new experience of actually being able to listen in church. I had goldfish crackers, 4 packages of yo-gos that I had unwrapped and put into a container, water in a sippy, quiet toys, and Bo, Grandma, Tracy, and Scott. This was nothing compared to the firecracker that is Hudson.

I have to tell you that Hudson has this amazing heaven given talent of the ear piercing shriek - which he does when he is happy, sad, or just wondering if he still can. It can break glass. It can rupture eardrums that are within 10 feet. Sometimes he opens his mouth and, although I cannot hear anything, dogs in the neighborhood begin arriving at our front door. Mariah Carey has even called to get some pointers from him. He's got me feeling emotion, deeper than I've ever dreamed of.

He decided that the best time to let this loose was at the completely quietest part of the meeting. I think he had it all calculated and was waiting for his moment. We tried stuffing handfuls of strawberry marshmallows (thanks Bo) in his chipmunk cheeks. Nope, no match. I picked him up and shoved the sippy in his mouth. Nothin' doin'. The goldfish crackers only made the shriek become accompanied by crunch, crunch, crunch. When the people in the row in front of us started to wince and check their ears for blood, I had to take him out.

So much for the talks and the company of mom. I was out wandering the halls while Hudson wanted up, wanted down, cried because I put him down, and then squirmed because I picked him up.

But, really, it was just fine. Just being in the same building that I used to be with her every Sunday was lovely. People came up and were astonished at how big the kids had gotten. When we were living there back in pioneer times, we only had one little tiny baby in the form of Abigail. One of the old bishopric members came up to Abigail and said "You are so big now! And you get to have her as your grandma! You are so lucky!" I loved that. She is so lucky. And nobody really got mad that Hudson had made some of the old timers change the frequency on their hearing aides. Which was nice, too.

At the end of the day, just a few minutes with mom is good enough. She is really amazing. My ultimate example. How she managed 4 kids with such patience, love, and individual attention mystifies me. She took us all to the store and managed to come back out with all of us. This is something I am still working on. She handmade all of our most favorite clothes. I can barely manage to find our clothes. I look back on our wonderful, enchanting childhood and am in awe of her every single day. She could do it all, and in the meantime did no wrong. She could give us all the time in the world, and still manage to have her own friends, develop her own talents, and cultivate her creativity.

Sometimes I feel a little guilty that my kids are getting the shaft. There is absolutely no way that I can live up to her example. I promise them to try to be at least half the mom that she is, and I know that they will be amazingly blessed with just that. Even half of what she can do is still an astonishing feat in motherhood.

Even now, when we should be taking care of her, she is still making sure that our needs are met before hers. Birthdays are still marked with the same attention. Holiday details are all taken care of. Grandchildren are still held in her lap and story after story after story is read.

I know a quote from Katharine Hathaway that describes her to a tee:


"Everybody knows that a good mother gives her children a feeling of trust and stability. She is their earth. She is the one they can count on for the things that matter most of all. She is their food and their bed and the extra blanket when it grows cold in the night; she is their warmth and their health and their shelter; she is the one they want to be near when they cry. She is the only person in the whole world in a whole lifetime who can be these things to her children. There is no substitute for her."


This is her. This is my mom. I'm so glad to have her, and glad that I am blessed enough to try to exemplify her every single day. What a remarkable thing to be a mother and have a mother like her to look to for inspiration, comfort, and approval. I am so lucky, too.

Our Lovely Late Easter

My mom has always made Easter fantastic. Even better than (dare I speak it) Christmas, in my oh so humble opinion. When we were little, the last thing we would do before going to bed on Easter Eve would be to delicately try on dresses loaded with landmines of straight pins. We would hear her up until the crack of Easter dawn on her sewing machine, slaving over 3 differently colored, but still matching, perfect Easter dresses.

In the morning I remember waking up extra early to find our Easter baskets on Easter Sunday. We would search throughout the entire house and sneak into mom and dad's room for hints. Since she had been up all night sewing, she was an eye witness (not to mention conspirator) to where the Easter Bunny had hid them. We would get groggy clues that were clouded in cryptic messages.

"I'll help you after you get me a drink, please" Read: Look in the cupboard behind the cups.

"Can you bring me a blanket first?" Read: Look in the end table where we kept the orange and brown afghan.

Until we would just beg to have the answer spelled out to us. Then we would hear "No, the Easter Bunny did not hide anyone's Easter baskets in the bathroom, in Brandon's room, or downstairs. Have you looked in the pantry behind the Diet Coke, in the dishwasher, or in the cupboard under the microwave behind where we keep the coloring books and the tall basket full of crayons? I think somebody's might be hidden in the hall closet underneath the newspapers." She had the magic Easter touch.

This has (if you can believe it) only grown since the grandkids came. We look forward to Grandma's Easter as soon as New Year's Eve's Chinese food has been eaten. It is the only thing that gets us through the long and dreary winter. We had to postpone it this year because of that nasty gym play land cold bug (for the shame). But we finally made it.

At Grandma's Easter, you don't bother with silly Easter baskets. What are you thinking? We hunt with garbage bags. The big ones, too. There are detailed instructions given with colored stickers assigned to each child. There is first to be a hunt in the back yard, and then yet another in the front yard.

Abigail and Leah listening intently to the instructions.

Then the big reveal happens. The back doors are flung open and the kids go wild!!


Hudson participates with an OOOOOH...





and then with an AAAAAHHH!!!



It is amazing, after all.


We hunt, and hunt, and then hunt some more.




What do you do when you are this happy? Why you spin, of course.



The next day we examine our Easter bounty of loot and begin the weeks-on-end sugar rush. You can't quite possibly comprehend how much 4 full size garbage bags can contain until you spread it out in your kitchen and living room. This is when having a house full of kids really pays off.

We love Easter around here. We love it even when it comes late.

ATTENTION PLEASE!!

Hudson has an announcement to make!

We repeat again:

Please make note of this and document it wherever you put your most important information (for us that is the front of the fridge, the counter top, and mom's dresser). Thank you for your attention, and have a good day.

The Coolest Hair Club Around

I just got this email from "some old" and really amazing guy at my parent's work:

Robyn,

I work with your folks at the VA. I "hosted" a baldies photo shoot in honor of your mom a few weeks ago and thought you might like to have the pictures to add to those on your blog (or for your photo album, dartboard, whatever)...

I am so very pleased to hear the great news about your mother! I just gave John a hug to pass along to her...

Kevin Foster

P.S. I am the one in the SLC Hair Club pix standing 2nd from the right in the back row (between the two dorks that are wearing glasses...).The one with the good looking moustache!



The Salt Lake Hair Club with with mom front and leftish, and dad (the one with the REALLY good looking moustache) and the "old guy" Kevin (with the OTHER good looking moustache) in the back.



The Sandy Hair Club (apparently my mom works in a copy paper storage closet)

My parents work with the best people!! They have had such support through this. Can you imagine YOUR coworkers shaving their heads for you?!? And then subjecting themselves to photographic proof of it? It's wonderful.

Thank you doesn't begin to cover it. I don't think there are words that can. Isn't it amazing that you can love people you have never even met?

I'm going to have the best dart board in the neighborhood.

The Miracle

The 8 little feet that make this house shake more than the African savanna during a stampede have all been tucked sweetly into bed (2 under the blankets, 2 out of the blankets, 2 wearing socks, and the last 2 in footy pajamas), and I can now have a moment of contemplation and thankfulness for the news that we so wonderfully received yesterday.

I have been thinking a lot about the situation with all the Easter goings on. I adore Easter. Always have. The peeps covered in colored sugar, the ham covered in glaze, and the eggs covered in deviled. Fantastic. But it has always been the promise of spring, of new life, and new beginnings that captured me. That terrible frozen winter is no match for the warmer sun with its lengthening days of spring. It has always been a metaphor for me that I love to witness every single year. There is no trial or test that will ever beat out the love and blessings hidden within it. With the bad will ALWAYS come the good. It is always there, hidden underneath the snow, waiting to burst forth with new life.

Even the ultimate is not really the ultimate:

Death is conquered. Man is free.


But this year was a little tricky for me. I am ready for mom to have that perfected body right now. I don't want to have to go through the rest of it. Just straight to the perfection, please. We are looking for miracles, and right now would be a good time for one.

And then it happened. Just like that. The miracle came. Right in front of our button noses. Hope made it's wondrous return, and fear took its leave. Faith was strengthened. Gratitude and tear filled thankfulness were inadequately and humbly expressed.

We have all been given so many promises of blessings, and the realization of them. Real Power in the Priesthood, answers to prayer, and the assurance that we will never go through anything alone. This in addition to the promise of spirits reuniting with glorified bodies that has been given to every person who has ever walked this earth, no matter how imperfect the life. All from a loving Father who is guiding every moment.

I know he is there. I know it with every unreminded beat this heart of mine takes. There are miracles every day; with more and more to come.

Oh, Happy Day!!

This dreary, rainy, cold April afternoon has turned out to be the sunniest, warmest, happiest day in a very, very long time.

News from the Radiation Department at Huntsman:

Mom's creative, thoughtful, and incredibly smart brain no longer has the brain cancer!!! All 10 of her radiation treatments were successful in eliminating the tumors.

She had two major ones. The first, and the biggest, was deep inside, behind her right eye. That one is a goner. The second which was right on the surface, has also taken its leave. She also had some "speckling" throughout the rest of her gray matter, and that also is nowhere to be found.

Hot Dog!!! Let's all put on our party clothes, blow up some balloons, and break out the leftover Easter candy to celebrate!! There has never been better news, ever.

Aren't we all so proud of her! She is sailing through this like a trooper. Hair or no hair, this woman has a will of steel. One of her millions (and millions) of wonderful qualities that I have admired and wish I could have just a sliver of. And now she can apply all her strength and resolve to her lungs, and kick that, too.

Great job, mom!! Go and have yourself a piece of cheesecake. Put a crown on your beautiful bald head, and wear a sash that says "I AM THE BEST!!", because you certainly are.


We'll discuss more later, I promise.

Chompers and Oh The Humanity!!

Hudson has been super duper cranky lately (cranky with a capital CRANK; and a capital Y for that matter). Did I mention that includes being CUH-LING-EEE!! With extra exclamation points for emphasis!!! Seriously, I can't put the kid down to save my life, or his for that matter. Oh, the drama!! It was wearing me thin. See-through practically.

After an entire day of nothing but proof of his lung capacity, I dragged all 4 critters to the aquarium. What could be more distracting to a crabby 1 year old than a bunch of swimming, splashing, sea creatures? No such luck. If it were only that easy. He managed to scare all the fish with his cries of protest. So, to try to save my sanity, I dragged Mr. Fussy McGrumpy Pants and his 3 unsuspecting siblings to the gym. They love the play land when they can be there together (if you try to separate them, you, and the play land staff, will suffer the consequences), plus I needed the break and the sweat. When we were all properly worn out, we headed home.

Later that evening, Sir Cries A Lot was chewing on something he found on the living room floor (shocking, I know. The carpet that tries to cushions the feet of our mangy brood is usually SO spotless). When I went in to fish it out I discovered, one, two, three, FOUR molars sprouting in his drooly little mouth. No wonder he was so inconsolable!! Now, I have to admit. I am a self proclaimed drugger. If I had realized that this was the problem, I would have loaded him up with Tylenol like the junkie I have turned all the kids into. I am mother of the year, I know.

But, wait. It only gets worse from there.

You know what they have in those play lands, right? Yes, they have toys. Yes, they have movies. Yes, they have coloring. Yes, they have germs, germs, and more germs! And being in such a stressed out funk, I didn't even think of that. So, now, in addition to teething pains, we have been blessed with a cold. And, if I have taught these kidlets nothing else, I have taught them to share. So, this cold will hippity hop along its merry little way from one chickie to the next, just like Peter Cottontail himself.

This wouldn't be so bad if it didn't mean that we can't go and see Grandma. Her immune system is AWOL during chemo, and a cold could mean another trip back to the old gray bar hotel (also known as the hospital). So, we are missing out on Grandma love, which is the best kind of love. So frustrating. This had better be gone by Easter or somebody will pay!!! I don't know who, but it will definitely be SOMEBODY!!!

In the meantime I am bundling them up, covering them with kisses, and forcing airborne, Tylenol (of course), the purple medicine they all hate, and any other cold "remedy" down their cute little sore throats. All of which make Hudson burst into tears. But, what doesn't? We will survive.

Hudson is 1!! (and a little bit)

Our sweet #4 successfully turned the big 1. The night before he was so excited, he could hardly sleep. He had visions of balloons, wrapping paper, and his own birthday cake with no competition from his siblings dancing around in his curly haired head. How glorious!

While I was up with my birthday boy in the wee hours of the morning, it got me thinking about his real birth day. Instantly he became my favorite, since he came on his own (without the aid of a pitocin drip), and 2 weeks early. I had yet to have the experience of the twilight husband nudge and the rush to the hospital, something I really hoped I would eventually have. My labor started at about 11:00 the night before and pushed me into a house cleaning, laundry doing, dish washing frenzy that had been about 9 months neglected. Then, at about 2:45 a.m. I nudged John-Erik (hooray!) and told him that we needed to go to the hospital. His reaction was a dramatic moving over in the bed. After more persuasion and a few more not-so-gentle shoulder prods, we grabbed the bag I had prepared and called my dad to get my sister over here pronto. My dad responded with "uh, um, uh, oh... labor?" I responded affirmative, and off we went. Less than 2 hours later, we were now a family of 6.

Hudson was born looking exactly like that guy in the Princess Bride who says "Inconceivable!!" all the time.

He blessed us with 2 teeth before he had turned 3 months old. He was an adventurer from the start!! When he grew out of his new baby cry, he developed his signature fuss, the "Forrest Gump". You know that scene in Forrest Gump, the part where the school principal tells Forrest that "your mama sure does care about your schooling, son". Hudson has Forrest's breathy "eee, eee, eee" reply down. And he has never even seen Forrest Gump!!! Amazing.

But when pushed into a further fit, he doesn't cry with an "aaaah" like other babies. His is more of an "ooooh" that makes his lips stick out in the most delicious pouty face I have ever seen. Sometimes I make him cry just to get his adorable pucker lips going.


He is so close to walking right now. He lets go of things just to test his balance all the time. That is when I swoop in and kick his legs out from under him. We have got to keep this one small for as long as possible. It's gone by too fast already.

Happy Birthday, my Buster Blue Eyes. Your goofy gap toothed smile and lack of a real laugh is such an immense blessing to this crazy circus family. We adore you.

From the Mouths of Babes

As soon as Leah learned how to write an "M", I started having her write "mom" all the time. I know, a little self-serving, but we mom's have to take our rewards whenever we can, right?


Well, sometimes she can't remember how many O's and M's there are. So sometimes there are two of each.



Then, the other day we had Harrison's friend in the car with us. We were driving along and the boys were trying to impress each other with their spelling prowess. They would each take turns spelling harder and harder words. Leah was so excited to get involved in this and said "I know how to spell mom!!!" The boys encouraged her with their sweet amazement and asked her to do it. Slowly she spelled out "M....o....o". I waited and waited for that other "M", but it never came.

I think I need to get back to the gym.

A good day

We received good news today. My mom called me with gladness in her voice. It was like opening up the windows and letting in a warm spring breeze. Even better than that (can it get better than that?) - she laughed. A real laugh. Her true "I'm feeling happy" laugh. Her laugh is wonderful. It was like music to me today. I haven't heard it for a while now. But, there it was. Right at the surface just like it used to be. She was wonderful. And then, she told me that I had helped her. I started crying. Isn't it funny that no matter how old you get, that you now have children of your own, it still feels so good to have your mom tell you that you have done well. I think of Abigail sitting at the piano, practicing her little heart out. She then turns to me and says "Was that good, mom?" Aren't we always looking for approval? And doesn't it feel so delicious to have it? It was like warm sunlight shining right down onto my bald head.

I had been feeling a little helpless for awhile. I have these 4 beautiful children, and I can't always be there for mom. It's a delicate balance with the frantic effort in trying to do whatever I can for her, and the reassurance to the kids that grandma is going to be okay. I have become a tight rope walker, which is not fun at all. But there I was on the phone with my sweet, wonderful mom, having her tell me that I had made something a little easier for her. As I drove to her house to take her shopping, tears of joy came with. She is working so hard right now, and doing it with such strength and grace. She is doing all the heavy lifting, and still she said that I had eased that burden - even if it was by just a little bit. She managed to comfort me. And then we went shopping, just like we always did. She colored with Leah and laughed again as she teased her. There was sunshine again. It was amazing; almost as amazing as she is.

Skinhead Convention

So, my beautiful, funny, warm, loving, amazing mom has cancer. She has been going through radiation for a little bit and is about to start her chemo. At the end of radiation, she lost her hair. So we, her very rowdy bunch, wanted to try to show her just how much she means to us (even though that would be physically impossible), and decided to lop off our locks right along with her.


It started out just as a dad thing. He was not going to let my mom do this by herself. He is totally smitten and would absolutely do ANYTHING to make my mom feel better about all of this. My bro Brandon (Mr. AC/DC) was next, and he bic'ed his head down to the scalp. Then, bro-in-law Scott (with the goatee) got in on the act. But, the ladies in our family have never been outdone by the men. Never. So, we joined in. I went first (in the white), and my sis Tracy (in the blue) brought up the rear. Once the hair was flying, even the kids got involved!! Abigail, Harrison, and cute Isaac brought the total up to 8 baldies, and 1 super short new 'do.



I was so proud of my guys. They were completely involved in this exciting show of support for Grandma. Leah had cut her own hair just recently (she was so proud), so the only thing she was able to add were some hats. But, Abigail and Harrison went all out for the very best Grandma in the world.

before

after



Harrison was excited to be one of the guys. But, it was my sweet, sweet Abigail who really stole the show. My amazing Abigail, who has never had a "real" haircut (just trims from mom on the bottom) decided to cut off over 10 inches to donate her hair to Locks of Love in Grandma's name. She was so excited to be able to help out another little girl. I was so, so proud of my brave, supportive, wonderful kids.

But, that's my amazing mom for you. She brings out the best in everyone. She just radiates so much love and happiness, that there isn't anything we wouldn't do for her. Her smile is so infectious, and her laugh is wonderfully contagious. We would stop at nothing to make her feel better and keep those things right at the surface. Even cut off our hair and look like a we run a crazy skinhead circus. WHATEVER it takes, mom. It's all so, SO worth it. We love you bunches.

Our Bubba Lubba

Happy Birthday, Bubba

Our sweet Harrison is now 6 years old. I can't believe our chubby baby who had a mouth almost as big as his head is now the big 6. He is truly our boy's boy. He is rough and tumble. He is smart as a whip. And he is also the world champ at computer and video games. He probably is more computer literate than me. He takes such pride in learning something new, and will practice until he has mastered it. He loves to read, write stories, and play the piano. He is into all kinds of sports. But, the best thing about Harrison is his sweetness. He has the softest heart in that crazy on the go body. Even when he was tiny, he hated when I put Abigail in a time-out; even if it was because she had been mean to him. He would sit by the door until it was time for her to say her sorrys. He cares so much for his sisters and brother. They are really his best friends.

Some of our favorite things about Harrison are that has a SEVERE aversion to diapers, even to the point of almost throwing up when I change one. He also can avoid doing his chores by simply falling asleep. And he can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. If we get him at a 45 degree angle, he is out. And so completely out that I have even hammered a nail into the wall above where he was sleeping and put a picture up in his room with him not so much as even stirring. I can jump on his bed while he is asleep and nothing. Trust me. It's been proven.

Harrison makes us happy every single day. We sure love you, Bubba. I hope you had a wonderful birthday.

Harrison's top 6:

Favorite places to go: Toys R Us, Myan restaurant, Jaxon's house, Ryan's house, school, Grandma and Papa's.
Favorite things to eat: Cereal, oatmeal, fruit snacks, orange chicken, chips, licorice (isn't he so healthy?).
Favorite things to do: play with toys, play with friends, play with dinosaurs, play with transformers, write stories, play video games.
Things he is the very best at: exercising, getting stronger, eating better, being nice, reading, loving his family

All by Mr. Harrison himself.